A little bit of background on this: This page was written at exactly the same time as I was seeing dozens (hey, the internet was small) of "Application to be my girlfriend" sites, and "Hello to my future girlfriend" popping up. At the time I was also getting random emails (and phone calls, and letters (despite no contact information actually being listed)) from guys I did not know who found my website, especially after I was decreed as a Four Toupsie Babe on the Web. Considering that at the time I had 1)been through some pretty rough breakups and 2)already in a relationship, I wrote the page below.

It's supposed to be *funny*.




So here's your chance to be one of the few, the proud, the bitter, the obsessed about late at night when I can't sleep... here's the...

Application To Be My Ex-Boyfriend

So while I can't offer the change to date Cheryl (or her friends), I can offer this once-in-a-lifetime opprotunity to be one of the select few who have the right to get pissy when they read this... Yes that's right, gentlemen, or ladies, you, too, can apply through this very web page to be my ex-boyfriend. Just fill out the form below and see if you match the (patent pending) Certified Ex Boyfriend Profile!

So apply today! Nothing to loose and absolutely nothing to gain... 

Let's Start At The Beginning. You are....


What pet name would you have called me that I must wince everytime I now hear? Past favorites include "kitten", "princess" and "gorgeous."


So out of curiosity..... why do you want to be my ex-bf?


What is your preferred underwear style?


On a date You usually..



My birthday is in..... (to be a good "ex" you should be wrong.. but sure you are right!)

What would my favorite "wistful" memory of you be? The memories that almost make you wish that once special person were back in your life...



When I look back on our relationship, I will always remember the classic moments when you....

    Got So Drunk You Coldn't Stand Straight .. at the Formal
    Took Me To A Party Then Left Me With Your Weird Best Friend
    Sang In Public. Badly.
    Frightened My Roommates
    Tried To Humiliate Me For Not Having Sex With You
    Dissed My Best Friend
    Dissed My Family
    Forgot To Tell Anyone You Knew Me
    Told Your Frat My Bra Size


    You will never get back your...... from me.

Flannel Boxers
Baggy Jeans
Warrant CD
Heart
Dog
Lava Lamp
Flannel Shirt
Old Frat Sweatshirt
Sanity




The reason we fell in love in the first place was....
{get a clue people... responses along the line of "my big schlong" and "your huge chest" go in the trash}


Assess Your bH... That's b for bitterness not bitch!
 Do you have past relationships you feel guilty about?

Do you have past relationships which you now feel bitter and resentful towards?

Would you have felt that my previous boyfriends have acted as the agents of destruction in my life at various times?

Would you have sworn to us both that our relationship would be different?

Check here if you would have felt studly in comparison to my previous relationships.

Check here if you would have felt inferior in comparison to my previous relationships.

Check here if you dated me from 1990 to 1996 and are pretty darn pissy right about now.




What song will I forever associate with loving you?
What song will I forever associate with hating you?




And about our breakup....

You dumped me?
I dumped you!
We dumped each other.
It's all a haze....

...by not speaking anymore.
...by screaming.
...by crying.
...by hiring Vinni to break some bones.

Afterward I cried.
Afterward I dated someone else.
And missed you.
Afterward I ate nutter butters.
I just threw all your junk in the trash and forgot about you.

Afterward you cried.
Afterward you dated someone else.
And missed me.
And still me miss. ;>
Afterward you dated Vinnie.
You never noticed I was gone. (jerk!)




Oh yeah!!!... Who the HECK are you anyway?
Your name is...